Friday, June 8, 2012

Meat Blitz

I love meat.

This is a big reason why I adore eating Paleo. Because I love meat. Not the hyper-processed "guess what this is" nonsense that passes for meat in some places *coughTACO-BELLcough*. Real meat.

Having varieties of meats with healthy fat balances in them keeps you full far longer than a carb-loaded diet that depletes you of energy and nutrients. But getting back to the central point...

I. Love. Meat.

I love it so much that I was thrilled for the chance to try a Brazillian steakhouse that brings different selections of prepared meats right to your table until you exist in a food coma beyond comparison. Now, I don't eat like this all the time because a.) I'd never leave the restaurant and b.) too much of anything will eventually be bad for you... but I didn't care because...

I. Looooove. Meat.

If you're not familiar with the concept, I'll break it down for you: it's the best version of "Red Light, Green Light" that has ever and will ever exist. You get to your table, you get a few different appetizers like cheese puffs and fried banana fritters (both of which are completely not Paleo, but this was my cheat day, and damn it... I'm havin' some deep fried cheese puffs), you go up to the salad bar (there's an option for doing only an all-you-can-eat salad option... and that's for weak people), and when you're ready to go... you take the colored cue object (ours looked like a solid hourglass) and place it so that the green side is up. And then... the meat blitz begins. Which brings me around again to my mantra of--

I. Love. MEAT.

Theoretically, there will be a time when you need to turn the cue over so that the red side is up: perhaps you have a full plate and would like to, you know, chew before you shovel more food into your belly; perhaps you're savoring your meal after getting a plate refilled from the salad bar; perhaps you're on your third round from the servers and you're starting to feel happy and giggly for kind of no reason. Whatever the motivation, you have the option to say "mercy" and catch your breath.

The red side of the cue was used sparingly. And this is why:


Of course, they bring other things out-- grilled veggies and pineapple-- and you get to try a little bit of everything. And they change up the meats almost every night, so one night you could have tilapia with passionfruit sauce, and the next, you could be having elk or bison (and that gets a BIG Paleo thumbs-up). We got the standards: beef, chicken, pork, turkey, and fish. There was, of course, something wrapped in bacon. Who says no to that? But the true novelty was the servers shaving off endless amounts of food for you and putting it right on your plate until you're really freakin' happy.

While digesting, my fellow dining voyager and I started musing on how different meats are prepared, which somehow led to the following question: they have sayings for how you should and should not consume different alcohols, but why not for meats?

Example: beer before liquor, you'll never be sicker; liquor before beer, you're in the clear.

So here's what we came up with. They may not be verbatim because, well, we were laughing from a meat-induced haze of happy to the point that tears were coming out of my eyes, so I don't really remember all of them, but here it goes.

Meat Aphorisms:

  1. Pork before beef will sure make you queef
  2. Chicken before pork, pick up your fork
  3. Pair it with duck, you're shit outta luck
  4. End with tilapia and pick up your mop-i-a

For a Paleo cheat, it didn't involve much I shouldn't have had-- aside from some small bites of breaded appetizers and fried cinnamon bread pudding (okay, that was a pretty significant cheat). As a result, I felt only the satisfaction of a meat belly for the next... you know... day. And it was worth it because, once more for the cheap seats...


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