Dark Chocolate Bacon Pecan Frittata

Oh. Holy. Crap.

Have you started drooling yet? Good. You should be drooling. You have every right to drool... as long as you stay far away from my Dark Chocolate Bacon Pecan Frittata. I mean it; I'm close to making the Sharp Pointy Stick for this one!

So, I have this mammoth Paleo eBook (eCookbook doesn't seem right, does it?) on my phone, and it really hasn't steered me wrong. Having said that, I think they display a startling lack of creativity and imagination. For example: a simple recipe titled "Dark Chocolate Frittata". Now... I look at something like that and I think... where's the bacon?! A recipe like that and there's no bacon involved? SACRILEGE! So I had to take things a little further... okay, a lot further...

Now, the original recipe serves 4. That, to me, was dangerous. Why? Because given the chance, I would have eaten that whole damn thing. So I had to engage in a little portion control. Didn't for a moment affect the cooking method or the end result, I was pleased to discover. Did make it possible to eat half the pan and not feel incredibly guilty while my roommate ate the other half.

Ingredients/Tools:

Kids, listen to your Auntie Lindsay;
let's put on the oven mitts
before we burn our little fingers!

• 2-3 eggs
• 1- 1 1/2 tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder
• dash of vanilla extract
• pinch of salt (Kosher or sea salt)
• 1 tbsp dark chocolate chips (anything that has 'chocolate' listed first on the ingredients, meaning it's made mostly of pure dark chocolate solids)
• 1 tbsp baked pecans
• 1 strip of bacon, diced
• unsweetened shredded coconut
• dash of unsweetened coconut milk (to get the eggs fluffier)
• 1 oven-safe pan or skillet
• most importantly... oven mitts (I cannot stress this enough)

Directions:

1. Preheat your oven to 350
2. Cut bacon into pieces and crisp slightly in the pan before anything else-- this makes the bacon taste better in the frittata and also coats the pan in a little cooking fat
3. Remove bacon when slightly browned and pour out excess bacon fat (to be used in future recipes)
4. Whisk eggs, vanilla, cocoa powder, coconut milk, and salt together
5. Since your pan has traces of cooking fat from the bacon, add just a little coconut oil to melt in the pan-- takes away from overwhelming bacon-y goodness
6. Pour in eggs and immediately sprinkle on the bacon
7. Let the bottom of the eggs set (should take 3-5 minutes)-- you'll know it's set when you shimmy the pan and the eggs no longer cling to it, but rather start to slide around
8. Sprinkle on the chocolate chips, pecans, and for good measure, as much shredded coconut as you desire
9. Place the whole pan in the oven and cook until the chocolate chips have melted and the coconut has been well toasted, probably about 12-15 minutes
10. Use the oven mitts to hold the extremely hot handle after the pan has been removed from the oven, as you will otherwise burn your fingers while you hold said handle when you're cutting and serving slices of frittata... a lesson learned the hard way

I renew my early "Oh. Holy. Crap."

That easily serves two people that would prefer not to go into an insulin-induced coma. The original recipe called for 8 eggs, 4 tbsp cocoa powder, and 4 tbsp chocolate chips. You can understand why I reduced the recipe, right? I love my dark chocolate, but I know myself, and my mouth full of sweet teeth would have gotten me into trouble. Even Tom, who admittedly does not worship The Chocolate Gods with my level of cult-like devotion, gobbled this one down. Between the eggs, the chocolate, the bacon, the pecans, and the coconut, it was hard not to cry.

Use this recipe with caution, for it yields awesome power...

Zucchini Spaghetti

Yes, you read that right.

The last few months have been... what's the most tasteful way I can put this?... more painful than wiping one's ass with sandpaper that's been marinating in hydrochloric acid. (Yeah, that works.) But with that has come an opportunity for legitimate healing, and for that, I am beyond grateful.

And that's as much of that as we need to get into. Onto the yummies!

I have a new cohort in my Adventures: my roommate, Tom, who is already an "adventurous" cook and foodie. This arrangement has lead to several cooking experiments in the last few weeks, all of which were gobbled up without hesitation. I mean, it's lucky we didn't eat the plates and forks, that's how good everything has been.

The Most Delightful Surprise Category is dominated by our experiment with Zucchini Spaghetti: it's far easier to prepare and cook than spaghetti squash, it's an excellent base for other flavors, and it has very little (if any) starch. What made it so surprising was how "buttery" it tasted with absolutely no butter at all; the noodles absorbed the olive oil and spices very well, giving it a rich taste without needing a drop of dairy.

It's. So. SIMPLE!

Zucchini Spaghetti:

• 1-2 large zucchini-- shouldn't be hard to find large zucchini this time of year
• a julienne peeler-- better than a magic wand for making perfect, evenly-shaped noodles
• olive oil
• Kosher salt
• black pepper
• garlic salt

Directions:

1. Remove the ends of the zucchini and slice off an extremely thin section so that it can lay flat on a cutting board
2. Use the peeler until your heart's content, turning the zucchini as needed to get the best noodles and stopping when you get down to the seeds
3. In a large, nonstick pan, heat a tablespoon or so of olive oil-- a little will get you a long way, as the zucchini will release water while it's cooking
4. Once the oil is hot enough, pour in the noodles and flavor with salt, pepper, and garlic pepper to taste-- again, you won't need much, as the zucchini will absorb flavor incredibly well
5. Cook for about 8-10 minutes, keeping the noodles slightly crunchy

Homemade Meatballs:

For the length of this dinner, there was
nothing wrong in my world.

• 1 pound grassfed ground spicy Italian sausage
• 1 tbsp Dijon mustard
• 1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
• savory spice
• 1 egg
• coconut flour
• 1/2 sweet onion, finely diced
• 1-2 garlic cloves, finely diced
• cooking sheet and parchment paper

Directions:

1. In a large bowl, combine ground sausage with mustard, W-sauce, onion, garlic, and savory spice
2. Add egg
3. While mixing, add coconut flour until the meat starts to bind together into the shape you want
4. Once the texture is right, ball together to about "golf ball" size and spread on parchment paper-- should make for about 15-16 decent sized meatballs
5. Bake at 375 for ten minutes on one side, flip, and put back in for another ten minute to brown evenly-- you may want to cut into one to check if they're ready
6. Mix with homemade marinara until coated and top your zucchini spaghetti with the delicious yumminess

For the side, it was baby spinach tossed with homemade mayonnaise mixed with fresh parsley and balsamic vinegar. A glass of Australian Shiraz and MST3K's "Space Mutiny"...

Yeah. Freakin' AMAZING.

Meat Blitz

I love meat.

This is a big reason why I adore eating Paleo. Because I love meat. Not the hyper-processed "guess what this is" nonsense that passes for meat in some places *coughTACO-BELLcough*. Real meat.

Having varieties of meats with healthy fat balances in them keeps you full far longer than a carb-loaded diet that depletes you of energy and nutrients. But getting back to the central point...

I. Love. Meat.


I love it so much that I was thrilled for the chance to try a Brazillian steakhouse that brings different selections of prepared meats right to your table until you exist in a food coma beyond comparison. Now, I don't eat like this all the time because a.) I'd never leave the restaurant and b.) too much of anything will eventually be bad for you... but I didn't care because...

I. Looooove. Meat.

If you're not familiar with the concept, I'll break it down for you: it's the best version of "Red Light, Green Light" that has ever and will ever exist. You get to your table, you get a few different appetizers like cheese puffs and fried banana fritters (both of which are completely not Paleo, but this was my cheat day, and damn it... I'm havin' some deep fried cheese puffs), you go up to the salad bar (there's an option for doing only an all-you-can-eat salad option... and that's for weak people), and when you're ready to go... you take the colored cue object (ours looked like a solid hourglass) and place it so that the green side is up. And then... the meat blitz begins. Which brings me around again to my mantra of--

I. Love. MEAT.


Theoretically, there will be a time when you need to turn the cue over so that the red side is up: perhaps you have a full plate and would like to, you know, chew before you shovel more food into your belly; perhaps you're savoring your meal after getting a plate refilled from the salad bar; perhaps you're on your third round from the servers and you're starting to feel happy and giggly for kind of no reason. Whatever the motivation, you have the option to say "mercy" and catch your breath.

The red side of the cue was used sparingly. And this is why:


I. LOVE. MEAT.


Of course, they bring other things out-- grilled veggies and pineapple-- and you get to try a little bit of everything. And they change up the meats almost every night, so one night you could have tilapia with passionfruit sauce, and the next, you could be having elk or bison (and that gets a BIG Paleo thumbs-up). We got the standards: beef, chicken, pork, turkey, and fish. There was, of course, something wrapped in bacon. Who says no to that? But the true novelty was the servers shaving off endless amounts of food for you and putting it right on your plate until you're really freakin' happy.

While digesting, my fellow dining voyager and I started musing on how different meats are prepared, which somehow led to the following question: they have sayings for how you should and should not consume different alcohols, but why not for meats?


Example: beer before liquor, you'll never be sicker; liquor before beer, you're in the clear.

So here's what we came up with. They may not be verbatim because, well, we were laughing from a meat-induced haze of happy to the point that tears were coming out of my eyes, so I don't really remember all of them, but here it goes.

Meat Aphorisms:

1. Pork before beef will sure make you queef
2. Chicken before pork, pick up your fork
3. Pair it with duck, you're shit outta luck
4. End with tilapia and pick up your mop-i-a

For a Paleo cheat, it didn't involve much I shouldn't have had-- aside from some small bites of breaded appetizers and fried cinnamon bread pudding (okay, that was a pretty significant cheat). As a result, I felt only the satisfaction of a meat belly for the next... you know... day. And it was worth it because, once more for the cheap seats...

I. LOOOOOOVE. MEAT!

Still Here...

Again, still here. It's been hard to write lately as I'm in the process of looking for a job and having trouble making ends meet until then, but I promise, I've got some good material on the way.

Stick with me!

Tea-- Sweet, Sweet Deliciousness

There are some nights I go to sleep just so I can wake up the following morning and have breakfast, and on a cool-n-cozy Saturday like this, when it feels so right to stay in pajamas for as long as possible, that means an even better breakfast 'experience'. Nothing out of the ordinary with food this morning-- mushroom omelet with Sriracha and mustard, apple on the side. Nah, today's food porn is all about the drink: tea.

Yerba mate gourd

My love for tea began long before moving to Hippie Health Land (pronounced Colorado for those unsure). During high school, I was a self-proclaimed Theater Nerd, so I hung around with the more eccentric personalities in the school... you know, the guys that wore burgundy bathrobes under their fringed Harley-Davidson denim vests, or bowling shoes with vertically striped pants and a poncho... or, my personal favorite, guys with ponytails longer than mine. It was one of these crazy-go-nuts that was not fully assembled if he did not have his stainless steel thermos of a different daily tea. I'm not talking about Generic Lipton Black Tea Product. No, he'd have some amazing blends, things I hadn't heard of. This guy would sit through rehearsals drinking yerba mate out of its most appropriate container: a hollowed gourd. That's dedication to the good stuff.

Tea is a non-negotiable part of my diet. (Kinda helps that I live in an area swimming in tea manufacturers.) For anyone not familiar with the differences, there are three basic levels of color, each relating to when the tea leaf was picked and its level of caffeine, as well as an umbrella category called 'infusions'. (I'm not going to delve into the variations like oolong, yerba mate, kombucha, etc.)

White:

• least amount of caffeine... as in, almost none
• mild and usually sweet flavor
• high antioxidant concentration
• helps improve skin, heart, cholesterol, healthy teeth and gums
• helps neutralize cancer cells
• versatile flavor when cooking

 Green:

• healthy level of caffeine
• reduces migraines and headaches
• stimulates metabolism to support safe fat burning (it's not a miracle beverage, so don't start up the green tea I.V. and expect to drop 10 pounds in 2 days)
• rich in nutrients that are hard to find in other foods (like EGCG, shorthand for 'acid chain that targets viruses/bacteria')
• stronger taste

Black:

• highest level of caffeine, still less dangerous levels of it than most commercial soft drinks
• fullest flavor, usually made into 'desert tea'
• proven to reduce risks of cardiovascular diseases and strokes
• can be brewed repeatedly to preserve flavor while reducing caffeine

Infusions:

• do not come from the 'tea plant', but rather other herbs, flavors, or extracts that still require minimal (if any) processing



Ah, variety!

• red or 'rooibos' (pronounced ROY-bohs... just so you sound like you know what you're talking about) that comes from a specific breed of African bush
• flowers like rose, lavender, chamomile, peppermint (Caution: these flavors can be added to actual teas that have caffeine, so double check the name of the tea and the ingredients when you're out shopping or at (shudders) Starbucks)
• seeds, roots, or other plant leaves
• almost always contain no caffeine
• varied flavors

But is it Paleo?

Now, I've done my research when it comes to tea, and I gotta say... there is some massive confusion out there in the Internet World of Paleo. Caffeine is usually a forbidden substance in any form, so infusions that have never involved the tea plant at any point are acceptable, provided that they're not sweetened as that would spike insulin levels... and yet... caffeine, when left in its natural form in tea leaves, and when consumed in moderation, has tremendous health benefits, almost always related to heart health and safe cell growth and repair cycle. Tea leaves are not poisonous in their raw form, unlike things like soy and other beans, which means they don't fit into the category of 'foods' that require tremendous processing before they can be safely consumed; all that's really needed to make tea is tea leaves, hot water, and a thin enough membrane to let the flavor seep from the plant into the water. (Big aside here: it's possible to use a plant or root that is not Paleo and make it into an infusion, but unless you want to drink raw eucalyptus or Essence of Poison Ivy, you're probably safe.) I say, if your system is clean enough, one or two cups of different teas and infusions a day probably isn't going to derail your Paleo efforts, and is far safer than many of the alternatives.

Tea can be used in many different Paleo recipes in place of flavorless water to forgo the need of adding things like salt or sugars. There are a few independent labels like Boulder's The Tea Spot that have countless suggestions for how to incorporate different loose leaf blends into your meals. Easiest to add to soups or stews in place of broth or stock, you can also try blending with random starchy foods like sweet potatoes, parsnips, turnips... anything that is going to absorb and retain liquid during the cooking process. I used to make oatmeal with vanilla rooibos tea, but since I don't eat grains or glutens anymore, I have to find new ways to add tea to my food! Gee, darn, a new reason to try new recipes...

Turkey Burgers With Portobello Mushrooms And Mashed Turnips

This is about as low budget as it gets. 

Let's get to the food porn, shall we?

It had been a while since I'd had turkey, which is why I went for it instead of beef. This was my first time trying the portobello 'buns', and every site I checked said to remove the stems before grilling both sides of the caps, but to save the stems to use in future recipes. I figured that since I had radishes in my fridge, I might as well chop both the stems and the radishes and mix them in with the ground turkey!

This would be my side for the evening: Mashed Turnips, only this time with curry, turmeric, and rosemary. While this entire dinner only took about 20 minutes to make, this was the most time consuming part; having to peel round turnips without scraping off half your hand, then slicing them small enough so they will tenderize quickly took longer than expected.

For spices, I added a pinch of sea salt, black pepper, roasted red pepper flakes, onion, and garlic. Along with the radishes, I wanted a little zing to these burgers.

And for some reason, I always forget how cold my hands get mixing refrigerated meat!

Cooked everything in bacon fat to add another flavor to it all. Bacon fat brings something amazing out of mushrooms, I have to say. When I started heating the pan, there was something lingering on the burner that started smoking a little, and even after I wiped everything clean, I still kept the pan on 'low' to avoid burning. The only thing I would change about this meal is the length of time I let the mushrooms cook-- I'll do much longer next time!

Two larger burgers with a few smaller ones for leftovers. Turnips are mashed with enough leftover for another meal. See what I mean about getting your money's worth with this one?!

Oof. Good stuff!

I'll admit, while I loved every part of this dinner, I ate fast. Why? Because I had about 15 minutes to eat, clean up, put on clothes, and race out the door to go see "The Avengers".

Totally. Worth. It.

Besides... this one was a winner, definitely to be repeated. I could hork it all down comforted by the knowledge that I'd have another chance to savor it.

Cue The AC/DC Track...

BACK IN BLACK! I HIT THE SACK... IT'S BEEN TOO LONG, I'M GLAD TO BE BACK, YES I'M...


Okay, not that big, but yes, I'm back. Friends of mine had their second child this week... and there was that small existential crisis I had... and with a butt-ton of other nonsense, writing wasn't exactly my highest priority.

Then I decided to make turkey burgers with portobello mushroom buns and a side of mashed turnips for dinner tonight. That sure made me want to write again! Now, it's only 2:30ish as I type this up, and I'm not in my 70s, so I won't be eating for several more hours, but I did want to give y'all a heads up for the inevitable food porn in my next post.

And because babies are cute...

Derek, the newest lil' blond heartbreaker!