A Saturday To Be Rivaled

A beautiful Saturday, the last in March, and Colorado is going out of its way to make it lovely. Today's the kind of day that sets a standard to which others will try to meet and will fail spectacularly. Sunny with some cloud cover; warm without frying skin off your very bones; light breeze, like a recurring sigh. And with my brand new library card, four books checked out and one down already, a cleaner home, and a belly full of beef stir-fry, it's hard to imagine how this day could be any better.

Let's go back to the beef stir-fry for a moment. First of all, where has sauteing been all my life? Hot pan, healthy oil, meat and veggies, DONE. After taking the girls to the dog park earlier this afternoon, I swung by the grocery store and got a few things, spying a package of Laura's Lean ground beef and throwing it into my basket. After getting home and cranking up some music, I heated my pan, pulled out my veggies and spices, and got to slicing.

Years ago, my mom had commented on how my grandma "didn't believe" in Tupperware. Apparently, saving leftovers in air-tight containers that one had to purchase didn't jive with her. I am not Isabelle's granddaughter. Living Paleo means making the most out of what you hunt (or buy at a grocery store) and gather (or buy at a grocery store), and that's where storage comes in. (Another one of my main arguments for eating Paleo-- it's more convenient and economical than buying pre-packaged garbage.) Would you rather have self-prepared fresh food at your disposal or packaged food that's been in the back of your pantry for about 7 years and has kept in the back of your pantry for about 7 years... and will probably keep in your belly for about 7 years?

And this is just ONE spice cabinet in my kitchen!

I had some random veggies cut up from the other day, so I threw those into the pan along with the ground beef that was already frying in olive oil, garlic, curry, and chili sauce. I work with a college-aged girl that's dieting by eating food without any spice or flavor. What she hopes to accomplish, I don't know. Instead, she's eating incredibly small quantities of bland sandwiches and cereal and dry pasta... and I smack my head against the wall. My own spice cabinet is extensive, filled with tons of flavor to add to my food, none of it with dairy, soy, gluten, or disgusting chemicals and preservatives. Why eat if your food isn't going to taste yummy?

So my ground beef was tender and juicy, and my veggies were still a little crunchy, and before I knew it, I was eating my lunch on the patio, curled up in a chair with exercised doggies lounging next to me and a book waiting to be read. Cooking took me all of 10 minutes with very little technical skill required-- how hard is it to cut carrots or stir beef? Today, after all, isn't about cooking. It's about enjoyment!

Next book on my list: "The Cinnamon Peeler: Selected Poems" by Michael Ondaatje. Striking out at the library so far, but I'm optimistic...

Da-amn!

Food worth a two-syllable 'damn'? Word.

A trip to the gym (Orchards Athletic Club) is not complete without a lengthy conversation about the absurdly delicious food we all make. I've taken to calling it "food porn", because really... it is...

Mashed turnips?
... why?

One of my Paleo mentors has been experimenting with different recipes to serve his infant son, with the aim of raising him completely Paleo. He's been Baby Bullet-ing away with organic foods and breast milk, making inexpensive baby food without any filler like barley (which he was disappointed to find is in soooo many different brands of baby food, even some organic ones.)

He told me a few times about making mashed turnips. I looked at him a few times like the RCA Victor dog.

But last night, after making my Paleo Num-Nums, I needed to make, you know, dinner before I could really justify eating cookies. I knew I was going to do salmon, since I had a long night of work ahead of me and wanted to get all protein-ed up, but also knew that wasn't going to be enough. While walking through the grocery store, I decided to throw caution to the wind, spend $0.50 and get a good sized turnip to try this recipe. Best freakin' 50 cents I've spent in a while!

This is my kind of meal-- grab stuff, throw it in a pan, cook it, and scarf it on down. The salmon was cooked in ghee, first soaked in an egg-wash with red curry paste, red pepper flakes, lemon and lime juices, lemon pepper, salt and pepper, and coated with a little coconut flour. I splashed some lemon juice into the pan as the ghee was heating. The turnip was peeled and cut into small cubes, boiled in a small pot of water with sea salt and turbinado sugar, and drained after the cubes were tender. I put them back into the pot to keep them hot while I added splashes of olive oil and full-fat coconut milk to get them creamy, and started smooshing, feeling a satisfying sensation as they fell apart and then congealed. For spices, I threw in a pinch of sea salt, a good amount of black pepper, and a little garlic powder since I was out of fresh garlic. I kept them in the warmed pot on the burner, even though it was turned off, to help any excess liquid evaporate off, making them stick together even better.

It was insanely good.

Curried salmon, mashed turnip, old-school plate... good damn eatin'!

The only way I could have enjoyed this more is if I'd had a glass of chianti, but as I had to head to work shortly after dinner, no wine. Ah well. Guess that means I'll have to make it again! (Twist my arm.) I may or may not experiment with adding some coconut flour to these to get them even thicker-- not on a day when I've had coconut flour with most of my food.

Paleo Num-Nums

Because I had an afternoon off and a half-full bag of dark chocolate chips doin' nothin' in my fridge, I decided I needed to make some Paleo Coconut Chocolate Chip Cookies... or, as I refer to them, Paleo Num-Nums. This recipe came to me courtesy of a friend from high school who happens to be a personal trainer and fellow Paleo convert. If she can eat these and still place third in a bikini competition in Vegas, then damn it, I'm having them once in a while, too!

But as she was baking, measuring her ingredients and scrolling through the recipe, she came to a horrible realization. "Oh no," she thought out loud, "I've run out of chocolate chips! I won't have enough, and my cookies won't taste the same! KAAAAAAAAAHN!"


Eh. I'll add some dates.

Ingredients:

*stares at cookies, wipes away drool...

• 1 cup coconut flour
• 1/2 cup unsweetened shredded coconut
• 1/2 cup coconut oil
• 1/2 cup raw honey OR natural sweetener of your choice (turbinado sugar works pretty well)
• 3/4 cup dark chocolate chips
• 4 eggs
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1/8 teaspoon sea salt
• cardamom, cinnamon, clove, anise, or other sweet spices to taste (play with these to get different results) 

This will make about 12-16 cookies, depending on how you shape them. As you might notice, there's nothing in the ingredients list that acts as a rising agent, so whatever shape and size you make your cookies is the shape and size they'll stay once they've been baked. *note: high altitudes don't mess up anything about this recipe-- score one for living in the mountains!* If you want to get a lot out of this recipe, I suggest making them fairly compact so it'll feel like you have more cookies to eat, and therefore won't binge and eat the entire tray of 4 giant-ass cookies the moment they come out of the oven.

Directions:

1. Get a big bowl for mixing your ingredients together, a large baking sheet, a piece of parchment paper, and an oven. If you don't have an oven, then I can't help you, unless you want to try waiting for a hot day and baking these on the sidewalk. Twigs and discarded gum may compliment the recipe, I don't know...
2. Mix your dry ingredients together first, including whatever spices you like and your chocolate chips. Since I only had a 1/2 cup of chips, I cut up 4-5 medjool dates into very small pieces and added them in... a good call on my part, I found, once I taste-tested the batch
3. Add eggs and vanilla, stir together into your big bowl of numminess
4. Combine your coconut oil and raw honey (if you're using honey as your sweetener) in a separate bowl and lightly heat in the microwave for about 30 seconds before adding into the mix. Let it cool slightly before you stir it in to avoid making the eggs cook and the chocolate melt
5. A neat trick: cover the palms of your hands with something moist, like Earth Balance Coconut Spread, before you start shaping your cookies. This will keep the mixture from sticking to your hands, and will help get the cookies to brown outside just a lil' bit more
6. An important note: if your batch isn't melding together quite the way you want, add up to 1/4 cup of coconut milk to get the coconut flour to soften and stick better
7. Place your cookies on your baking sheet covered with parchment paper-- the paper keeps the cookies from sticking to the pan, and makes cleaning up take about 3 seconds
8. Garnish with a pinch of spice-- I like to sprinkle crushed sea salt onto/into anything with chocolate
9. Bake at 375 for 15-20 minutes, or until they're a pretty golden brown

Nothing comforts quite like warm cookies

These are so good, they should be illegal. After today, I'll do everything I can to make sure that I have dates around to add to this mix, and maybe cut back even more on the chocolate. For a self-proclaimed chocolate addict to say that she's interested in cutting back on chocolate, you know she's stumbled onto a winning taste sensation!

Enjoy with a glass of cold coconut milk, curl up on a couch with a good book (I recommend Bruce Campbell's autobiography "If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B Movie Actor"), crank up your music (today, it's Peter Gabriel's "Secret World Live", possibly the best live recording of all time), and savor the pleasures of Life. If I could do this every single day, I would!

Creamy Tomato Soup... Join Me In An "Mmmmmm..."

Mmmmmm, indeed. Tonight is a night for Creamy Tomato Soup. After a bad yoga class and a quick rehearsal/interview, I was decently hungry. By the time I got home, I had no patience for cooking, so instead grabbed the Tupperware out of my fridge and reheated a bowl of simple, homemade soup. I mean, it's ridiculously easy to make in the first place. I make it more difficult by adding shredded chicken, but even that is relatively brainless. Which leads me to a crucial argument for this blog:


Eating Paleo is easy!


Here's the recipe I follow for making Creamy Tomato Soup-- no additives, no excessive salt, no hassle, no skimping on taste or substance, no blowing up your food budget:

Ingredients:

If pictures could capture taste and smell...

• 1 12 oz can organic coconut milk, full fat (this is the kind of fat you want, the kind that adds flavor and substance, making you feel full without filling you with "packing peanuts"
• 1 large can of organic diced tomatoes (for those not able to grow their own, or not willing to pick fresh)
• 1/4 cup organic chicken broth (can be store bought if you don't want to or now how to make your own, just keep an eye on the sodium levels)
• Italian spices to taste:
• crushed red pepper flakes
• lemon pepper
• black pepper
• basil
• oregano
• garlic
• thyme
• rosemary
• onion flakes
• crushed sea salt
• and the list goes on...
• 2 decent sized chicken fillets (breast or thigh)

Obviously, when you make this soup, you'll make it to your own flavor preferences, so you'll probably pick and chose whichever spices you use in whatever moderation you fancy. I've made this soup probably 15 times, and I make it differently each time. Spices, aside from adding flavor, are rich in nutrients. Just ask any acupuncturist or specialist in Traditional Chinese Medicine. Feeling like you're fighting a cold? Up the garlic. Feeling like your sinuses are plugged? Bring on the red pepper. Feeling like your stomach is digesting bricks? Add a little more ginger. (I used to work as a massage therapist and Reiki master, and used therapeutic grade essential oils with almost every session-- in the future, I'll cover in greater detail how spices can quite literally change your life.)

Directions:

If I can do this without making a blender smoke,
then damn it, you can too!

1. Get a blender, a big pot, a pan, and a range. Got that?
2. Good. Now, take your fresh chicken and put it in that pan that's getting all warmed up. I like to cook a lot of my meats in bacon fat, olive oil, or ghee-- not a lot, just enough to keep things wildly juicy. Flavor with a little bit of crushed sea salt and some black pepper, or add some more adventurous spices if you like... say, lemon pepper, perhaps? Lemon and tomato are always a good pairing...
3. Once your chicken is cooked (ie: it's not raw or frozen in the middle), put it on a cutting board and grab a fork. Tear that chicken into shreds. It'll be therapeutic, trust me
4. Leave chicken aside. It's dead and cooked-- it's not going anywhere unless you have tall and/or creative house pets... or roommates...
5. Grab your cans. Having done that, go get the coconut milk and tomatoes
6. Open cans and pour together into blender. Add chicken broth (if you like thinner soup, which I don't, so I usually skip this part) and any spices you'd like
7. Put lid on blender, then blend until your heart's content and you have the texture of soup you prefer
8. Pour mixture into your big pot, turn on the heat to something lowish that won't make the soup explode, and add your chicken. Punch up with any other spices you like

And you're done! It's that simple! This soup usually lasts me through 5-6 servings, depending on how much chicken I add, and since I can't eat that much soup all at once, I store it and go through it in a week or so. I've had this as a side to larger meals (sans shredded chicken), as a full meal with veggie fries on the side or homemade almond meal crackers, even as a simple little snack before work or heading to the gym. It's low tech, doesn't require a rotary evaporator, tastes great, and probably costs $5 to make something that lasts quite a while. Last time I checked, a bowl of soup at a chain Italian restaurant cost anywhere from $4-8, often times made with a lot of things that don't get along with digestive tracts.

The beautiful part? You can alter this recipe as needed! You don't want chicken? Okay then! Try adding duck instead! You made it once with fire-roasted tomatoes? Next time, pick fresh ones from your garden or a farmer's market and dice 'em up! You flavored mostly with rosemary and black pepper? No worries, just change it up with garlic and basil! Experimentation is not something to be feared when cooking, but rather embraced. So you might screw up once in a while (I still can't figure out how to make sweet potato gnocchi with coconut flour, and it haunts me to this day), but that shouldn't stop you from trying different things.

Now go try my soup!

I Just Sit On The Floor And Weep

Part of my old job consisted of surfing through health-related news outlets and updating our social media with articles that are important for our clientele.

If you are looking for any activity more depressing, look no further-- you've found it.

Everyday, someone is coming out with a new study that says what was good for you a month ago could now be killing you... all on websites blanketed with ads for prescription drugs, "weight loss" supplements, fancy-pants exercise equipment, or some packaged food product that probably tastes as good as the cardboard box it comes in. One article will publish that 1 in 10 adults will have diabetes by 2030; the article immediately next to it will be about the 6 signs of being addicted to exercise; there's a space for advertising for the newest microwave dinner, loaded with preservatives and dyes, forgoing any sense of taste or nutrition; there's a drug recall for this miracle prescription that was supposed to make you tall, skinny, pretty, happy, and have everyone like you all the time... with minor side effects like smelling burnt toast, sweating teeth, being able to hear your own hair grow, and sleeping in your refrigerator.

Science does not suit 24 hour news cycles. When information outlets need to scrape the bottom of the barrel everyday to try and keep their readers interested, that damages the validity of genuine research that could benefit humanity's well being. Supplying people with contradictory information on a regular basis can be good if it serves to fuel honest debate and further important studies. When it's a constant barrage of nonsense, pulling people in contradictory directions all in an attempt to create fear and hope that results in buying from a particular sponsor, that reduces "news" and "facts" to nothing more than marketing ploys and misdirection.

Preventative health measures are not sexy. They're not glamorous. They're not going to hold the attention of an audience if they were ever made into a one-hour drama. "ER" wouldn't have worked if it was a chiropractor, a naturopath, a nutritionist, an acupuncturist, and a massage therapist-- they don't tend to walk around in as much of a hurry.

But preventative measures are life-saving.


Think about it this way-- would you rather eat good food (that also tastes marvelous), use and enjoy your body with exercise or activity, process emotional and mental stresses as they happen, and keep your body free of interference so it can heal the way it's designed to... or take a pill, eat like crap, and die before you're 50?

Are You Feeling Sick? Good!

Don't I sound callous! I have a point, though, I promise: even on days when you feel a mess and, say, your hot water heater refuses to work for longer than 15 minutes, it’s still possible to eat good stuff. 


A few months ago, while I was in the process of moving and feeling like I had cotton stuffed in my head and lacking a functioning water heater (meaning I had to take some showers at friends' houses for a week), I had a night of profound hunger with no energy or will to spend an hour cooking. One of my oldest and best friends, who works about 20 hours a day, had recently confessed to me that her cooking skills tend to max out at about 4 ingredients. I had that in mind as I dragged myself out of bed. I looked at my two pans on the stove top, counted all the things involved with my dinner, and smiled-- 6 ingredients (counting cooking fats).

Big pan, back burner:
-Sirloin steak, cooked rare to medium rare (a very pretty reddish pink all the way through, and so incredibly juicy)
-mushrooms
-bacon fat to keep things tender and flavored

Small pan, front burner:
-carrots
-parsnips
-olive oil (we won’t count the sea salt and cracked pepper to flavor the veggies)

Fortunately, I had pre-cooked the steak, carrots, and parsnips the day before I started feeling like Death was playing me like an old-school Atari, so I only had to wait about 6-7 minutes to reheat them. The veggies took the longest to initially cook in the oven because I wanted them so crispy they were practically burnt. When they’re covered in olive oil and baked into submission, they become quite sweet, even more so on the browned parts. (Think about the difference between regular cheese and browned-almost-burnt cheese... that’s what we’re talking about here.)

Steak cooked in bacon fat is just plain edible seduction. I have family members that prefer their meats to be cooked so thoroughly that the texture becomes indistinguishable from that of blackboard erasers. Not me. While I’m not a fan of meat too undercooked that I could have a conversation with it while it’s in the pan, I do like it to be light and juicy so that when it’s cut, it almost falls apart. To my delight, during my transition, I discovered that Paleo encourages meats to be cooked as little as possible-- how many cavepeople had access to industrial kitchens, after all?

And for dessert that night, a BIG mug of echinacea tea and a sledgehammer to the head. Sure enough, after a 14 hour nap and a warm bath, I was feeling fantastic the next day. Further proof that what you put into you body is what you get out of your body.

Getting Down To The Nitty-Gritty Of It

"Health is a state of complete physical, mental, and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity." -World Health Organization

Why do you want to become healthier? Why do you stay healthy? And how is genuine health even possible when you consider how much of the human population is struggling with chronic diseases? If you pay attention to the news, there's always some outbreak of a new virus, or another drug recall, or a story about the US's overwhelming statistics regarding obesity, diabetes, heart disease, cancers, and much more. A healthy population seems to be too daunting a task to even manage. I mean, where do you start??

Health Starts with YOU
No one can be healthy for you. Exercise, nutrition, sleep, relationships, spiritual needs... these must all be experienced and cultivated for yourself, by yourself. That is not to say that there aren't any external factors when you make changes to your Health. You may be motivated by friends, family, coworkers, circumstances, but ultimately you are the one that will reap the immediate benefits of making smarter choices. And if you are aware of how much you are influenced by others, perhaps you taking your health under your control will lead others to follow your model. Brag about your health! Take pride in it! Talk about it with enthusiasm, because others will see just how easy it is to make lasting changes. How often have you tried something that worked for someone close to you because of how ecstatic they were when they talked about it? Would you take the advice of someone that talks about a new eating plan or exercise routine or an alternative form of health care like a chiropractic adjustment or an acupuncture session with joy and excitement? Most likely!

Health Must Become a Public Priority
Public opinion must be shifted towards the methods that will sustain a natural lifestyle. A healthy body is one that fights disease, resulting in "symptoms". Symptoms are the expression of a system that is attempting to alert Master Control that there's a problem. If those alerts are ignored by us as individuals or masked with drugs prescribed by doctors, then how can you react to them and make the appropriate changes? How is that health care?

After a while, one would assume that there wouldn't be any new topics to mention when it comes to healthy, preventative, natural living. There are certainly times where it feels like we're hitting a wall when it comes to how many people we can reach when every 5th ad on TV or in a magazine or on the radio is for a drug or a quick-fix approach to problems that have been decades in the making, and therefore can't really be efficiently addressed by these superficial solutions. The medical community has an enormous platform from which they can preach their excellence... whether it's valid or not.

But consider a few things:

1. Chiropractic is 100+ years old. Acupuncture is 3,000 years old. There’s evidence that reflexology was used in ancient Egypt. And yet they have  never been recalled. How many different drugs and joint replacements (hip, knee) can you name that have been recalled in that time? How about within the last month?
2. Within the last generation, the consumption of processed food products with high-fructose corn syrup and gluten added has skyrocketed... as well as obesity, diabetes, autoimmune diseases, Autism, arthritis, migraines, depression, and fibromyalgia.
3. Within the last generation, physical education courses in schools across the country have had their funding slashed, not to mention the limited opportunities school-aged kids have to engage in sports and competitive programs, resulting in sabotaging our following generation.
4. Rather than treat simple problems with simple solutions like consistent massage therapy, chiropractic, acupuncture, proper nutrition, and regular exercise, drug and insurance companies are more likely to fund costly prescription drugs and surgeries. They are companies and are therefore profit motivated.

Making the Shift
There's a popular misconception that because it's been chemically altered or "enhanced", it's somehow better for us. Foods should have unnatural products as part of their ingredient list. It's alright if it's everywhere and in everything I consume, isn't it? It's safe to drown our tissues in drugs because our doctor prescribed it, and they're smart-- they went to medical school, after all. This costly and dangerous surgery that my surgeon recommends and my insurance company will pay for... kinda... is the only way I can relieve the pain and symptoms I've been feeling. It's mainstream, so it must be safe.

Mainstream is popular by its very definition. But that doesn't mean it's right. Humans are socially conscious beings, capable of making gigantic changes to their views and attitudes. It takes more than the occasional visit to a health foods store, but even though the task may seem daunting, it is not insurmountable.

Start by making your health your first priority. That can be the biggest obstacle. It's easy to procrastinate, hoping that things will stay "good" if they're ignored. But most life-threatening diseases and less-dramatic-yet-equally-exhausting-illnesses are easily preventable with regular maintenance. If it seems selfish to you to be putting your needs first, then that's your first step: identify why. Why shouldn't you take care of yourself? What is more important than your unique body? Who is expecting you to sacrifice your well being for theirs?

Stymied as to how to change? Use social networking. Your friends and family (if they're supportive) will eagerly give you the encouragement you need to adapt to a healthier lifestyle. Plus, there are an abundance of online resources to help you achieve your goals.

Once you're confident that you've worked alternative treatments, regular sleep, good nutrition, and consistent exercise into your new lifestyle and are seeing results, brag about it. No. Seriously. Brag about it... to as many people as possible in as many ways as possible. Brag about how much better you're feeling, how little you need to rely on damaging drugs and surgeries, and how much better life has become now that you're free of the burden of poor health. Talk about what's working for you and why it's so effective. One reason shows like "The Biggest Loser" are so popular is because you witness the process and can come to the realization that true health isn't as challenging as you might have once thought. Your journey to Wellness can be just as helpful to those around you and can serve as motivation for their own transformation. 


Don't keep your good health to yourself! 

Gluten, Like Rhythm, Is Gonna Getcha

Gluten. It'll slice your throat while
you sleep and leave you for dead.

The hardest thing for me to eliminate from my diet was also the most rewarding part of adopting Paleo as a lifestyle-- NO MORE GLUTEN! Gluten intolerance has become far more mainstream than it used to be, especially with the recognition of a multitude of diseases that are caused by this cement-like substance.

But what the hell is gluten?!

Were you like me? Did you take foods classes in high school to get out of gym? (Or geometry?) Did you pay attention to your teacher? Probably not, since it's Foods!

Well, there was one thing I remember from my own Foods class. A kernel of knowledge that found its way into my brain by accident-- I was memorizing lines for The Madwoman of Chaillot while we were watching a documentary on pasta (who could blame me for wanting a distraction), and the movie somehow stuck.

What I remember is that pasta and paste aren't so very different, which is why there's always that one kid in kindergarten that eats a ton of it. Pasta gets its texture from binding agents-- gluten-- found in grains like wheat, barley, oats, and so on. But here's the problem: grains are assassins! Deadly, deadly assassins! (See above picture)

Defense Mechanism:
Every living thing in, on, over, under, and through this planet wants to stay alive. It's hardwired into us. And so, every living thing has its own defense mechanism:

• animals run or fight
• animals look cute (how likely are you to eat something that's looking at you with enormous puppy-dog eyes?)
• plants protect their seeds so they can be consumed by animals, survive the digestion process, and still germinate (unless there's some super secret ninja turnip out there, plants don't fight back)

Fruits, berries, nuts, and even certain vegetables can be safely consumed because you either don’t eat their seeds or their plants have evolved to let seeds be eaten by animals while staying somewhat intact without damaging the digestive process of that animal.

Not grains.

Grains like wheat, oats, etc. aren't as durable as seeds. They must rely on a different form of Food Kung Fu to protect themselves. They just shred your insides all to hell.


Oh, if I was kidding. Grains have special proteins in them (lectins, also found in peanuts and legumes, which I'll get to later...) that attack anything trying to dissolve it, keeping the structure of the grain intact, which, as it moves through your digestive process, cuts lil' itty bitty holes in your intestines, releasing the garbage those intestines were trying to process back into your body. If gluten were a movie villain, it would be that ooze from Fern Gully. (I soooo wanted to make a “Die Hard” reference work, but alas.)

Taking full advantage of this parallel to Hexxus, gluten is glue. It's an edible cement. And because bodies are not built to break down that paste, it ends up trapped in our systems, blocking our ability to absorb other good nutrients. Then, it goes on to power a large-ass tree-cutter and tries to destroy an entire tropical ecosystem and all the tree fairies sworn to protect it. (Rent Fern Gully. Tim Curry is the voice of Hexxus, and how could that be bad? But I digress.)

Not being able to digest gluten hijacks your body’s built-in capacity to heal. Think of your body as a pie chart: you have a certain amount of energy that’s used to keep all systems ‘go’. If you have to start rerouting energy from one system to fuel one that’s not working well, and then another, and then yet another, soon you won’t have enough energy to power even the simple parts that don’t need all that much to work right. Keep that in mind as you scroll through the following list; with further research, gluten has been shown to be the root of many different ailments and even diseases:

• acne
• PMS
• autoimmune diseases like fibromyalgia, MS, and Lupus
• Celiac
• some cancers
• IBS
• constipation
• diabetes
• arthritis
• depression
• heart problems

... and much more.

So Why Can’t I Eat (this)?:
Let's begin with the Red Flag Ingredients you should look for when cutting gluten out of your diet:

• oats
• barley
• wheat
• rye
• malt
• whey
• dextrin
• triticale
• durum
• graham
• kamut
• spelt
• semolina

Now, take a leisurely stroll around your grocery store and pull some random boxed or bottled items from the shelves. Read through the ingredients; packaged dinners, commercial fruit snacks, microwavable soups, baby foods, ice creams, protein bars, sauces and dressings (like ketchup), even some beverages can have a form of gluten added to it to do one of three things: 1.) thicken the texture or change the taste, 2.) help increase the food’s shelf life, or 3.) slightly boost an otherwise low fiber or protein content. Gluten is in everything! It’s a conspiracy! They’re trying to kill us all! Soylent Green is PEOPLE!

But seriously.

Gluten is added to many foods you wouldn’t think would need it. And in truth, they don’t need it. Large food producing corporations started adding gluten to their products to boost the volume of it at a much cheaper cost. That’s why you can even have foods that are supposed to be made out of meat have an ingredient list that looks more like materials to build a local playground (including wood pulp and glass... but that too is for another article...)

“But what about all those commercials and smart-sounding people going on and on about the goodness of whole grains?” That answer can be a little complicated. Grains have been such an integral part of our modern society, for well over thousands of years. But that does not change millions of years of evolution. That’s like running your car on gasoline for 99,900 miles and filing the tank with Elmer’s glue for the last 100 miles. Take into account that grains are among the highest subsidized foods in this country, and who are the ones constantly telling you that whole grains are good for you, and how much industry is built around grains-- farmers, food manufacturers, breweries, fast food companies and chain restaurants-- that’s a lot of dough! (Ba-dum-chink!) I can guarantee, the foods that farmers are paid to grow by the government will get the highest government endorsement. Think I'm wrong? Keep in mind that cigarettes, which have been proven to be nothing more than Cancer Sticks, still get a government seal on their packaging, and they're in the top ten of any list of Highest Subsidized Products in the US. If you still don’t believe me, look at almost any incarnation of the Food Pyramid (or nowadays, the Dinner Plate). Grains always take up the most room on their charts... which is interesting, since they also take up the most room in the average bloated, oversized belly.

Gluten rant shall be continued soon...

Paleo Fudge... and a Plot for Total World Domination

"Oh holy crap, I'm a mad genius!"

This is my mantra when cooking. I stumble onto a recipe that is simple, low budget, and uses very few ingredients, and all of a sudden, evil theme music kicks in "Dr. Horrible Sing-Along Blog" style, and an eerie cackle escapes my mouth as I mischievously rub my hands together, disappearing into a rolling fog as flashes of lightning consume the kitchen.

Okay. It's steam from my teapot and me flicking the light switch on and off really fast while I giggle like a girl.

The latest recipe to trigger my inner Mad Scientist? Paleo Fudge. Believe it or not... no added sugar, and it still tastes like a sin!

Here's what you'll need*:

• 1 1/3rd cups pitted medjool dates
• 1 cup crushed nuts (I used walnuts and almonds)
• 4 Tbsp cocoa powder
• 1 tsp vanilla extract (the purer, the better-- less sugar will creep into the fudge that way)

*dog hair optional

Here's how you make it:

1. take your measured ingredients... you got 'em?
2. Good. Throw them into a food processor or blender
3. turn blender "on"-- talk dirty to it and strip if you need to, but the "on" switch and the electrical outlet should do the trick
4. stir everything to make sure it's mixed properly
5. pour out into candy molds or into bar form using wax paper
6. freeze over night
7. scarf the next day, preferably while growling at anyone that looks like they'll try to take some from you

That's all!

I'm gonna have to make the recipe several more times (gee, darn) before I feel like I've streamlined it. Dates will take some time to puree, and if the cocoa powder has been mixed in already, you'll be blending for a while. I had to add more water to it all than I wanted to (or planned on), which made it a little more fluid than I expected at first. I also added a couple spoonfuls of almond butter to give the blades some more traction while they were slicing and dicing. But the result was not only delicious... it was versatile; I could have added some coconut milk or almond milk to it, making it more like a spread or paste (think Nutella without the sugar rush, chemicals, and diabetes). I could use that paste as a "frosting" for some of my other Paleo desserts or indulgences (like Coconut Bread). And then, as I was falling asleep last night, savoring the image of solidifying fudge in my freezer and knowing it would soon be mine for the taking, I thought, "Next time, I will coat it in shredded coconut... and then I will take over the WORLD!" (I've been watching a lot of "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" lately.) I also want to try using as many different kinds of nuts as I can, first and foremost being hazelnuts (if I can summon my strength and not eat an entire batch of them after I've baked them).

May not look like much, but I guarantee, this'll beat cake any day!

A word of caution: use this recipe wisely. A power like this, if in the wrong hands, could be devastating... MWUA-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Exercise, Or "Move Your Fat Ass"

For me, it's the cheeze-doodle
near the crotch that makes
the picture

Can't look anywhere else now,
can you??

Food is only part of the equation when trying to come up with a formula for great health. “What else could possibly fit into this scientific fancy-pants formula,” you query?

... really? What else do you think I'm gonna say? Exercise! (Or, as I like to call it, “Move Your Fat Ass”. And there are days when that’s putting it nicely.)

Regardless of the end of the dietary spectrum you’re favoring, you’ll agree that paying attention to what you eat and making more conscious choices pays off. Same applies to exercise. You don’t have to run 50 marathons in 50 states in 50 days (look it up, someone did it) or hike a 14-er (Colorado speak for walking 14,000 feet into the sky on the side of a mountain-- we’re psychotic out here) to be fit and in shape, but can we please agree the “rotund couch potato” is not the kind of “in-shape” I'm talking about? Yeah, I’m sure that was a clever punchline at some point. Still. Hard to find the funny in statistics like “68% of American Population is Overweight”. (And that was in 2010-- that trend has only gone up in the last 50 years.)

Exercise programs or tools/gadgets/gizmos you see on late-night informercial TV are a joke, and, like their corresponding fad diet plans, are constructed for you to fail. If you’re no longer fat, uncomfortable, and looking for a quick fix, then you’re no longer their customer! They tend to make exercise look as effortless as pressing a button on your remote. And even if the “super fat-busting” routine or whatchamacallit has some value, there often isn’t nearly enough instruction for how to get the most out of it. Take, for instance, something like the Schmender Ball. (Name changed for comedic value only.) It’s pretty much a smaller version of a standard exercise ball. It’s designed to create an unstable surface, making different muscle groups work (or work harder) than those that work when you’re using only solid ground. When it’s used correctly and consistently, when it’s used to do a variety of exercises for many different muscles and muscle groups, yes, you will notice good changes.

Here’s where the flash-bang smoke-n-mirrors take over. Commercials make it seem like you can design your body like you’re ordering pieces out of a catalog... or maybe an US Weekly. “I want those arms, that chest, that stomach, those legs, that booty...” You can’t spot-treat weight loss! You can’t do only abdominal work and expect your abs to look fabulous The Next Day! It’s time the curtains were pulled back to shine light on the sad sad state of delusional mind that people allow themselves to adopt: weight gain does not happen in one specific part of the body, and neither does weight loss.

The Benefits:
In case you were wondering, here’s why maintaining a healthy weight is good:
-reduces pressure on organs to work as well as they can *coughHEART_DISEASEcough*
-reduces pressure on joints and promotes a more balanced wear-n-tear process *coughHIP_REPLACEMENTcough*
-helps keep emotional and mental health in check *coughDEPRESSIONcough*
-keeps energy and hormones (body chemistry) level *coughSO_MANY_DISEASEScough*
-keeps you alive *coughWHY_DO_YOU_NEED_ANY_FURTHER_INCENTIVEcough*

The How-To:
It’s really much easier than you think, staying healthy. Like adapting your eating habits, it takes repetition. Paleo converts have it the easiest-- the most often suggested workout routine is described as “move around and lift something heavy as often as you can during a week”. Have you ever tried to kill a mastodon? I'm gonna say “no”, but I've seen the cave drawings and the highly-praised, critically acclaimed documentary series called The Flintsones, and it looks like it took a lot of work! They weren’t running 26 miles in one go to make the kill, nor were they trying to haul the family car while they did it. (Watch “The Flinstones”-- they did have cars then!) But they were running fast, and without shoes. They were jumping, trying to get those stungun lasers... sorry, spears... into the fleshy parts of the animal they were trying to eat. They were climbing and swimming and walking and maybe, from time to time, dancing in celebration of the fact that they had enough food to last the week. They didn’t use weird high-tech rubberized tools. They didn’t have cute outfits. They didn’t have machines that did all the work for them.

They moved around.

I am of the firm belief that exercise should be fun, fitting in with my credo that if it doesn’t fit into your lifestyle and isn’t rewarding enough, it won’t work for you. “How could working out possibly be fun”, you wonder?  (You wah-wah-wah-wah-wonder?)

Add. Real. People.

Try activities that are engaging and can provide the chance for spending time with friends (or even making new ones) without feeling like you’re punishing yourself with heavy-duty workouts:

• dance classes
• kickboxing
• yoga
• gym leagues
• volleyball tournaments
• racquetball
• basketball

*Hell, find a public park with jungle gym equipment and organize time with you and your friends to play like you did in elementary school! Just be sure they have room to play Capture The Flag or Four Square.*

If you’re overwhelmed at the mere idea of physical exertion, spend a little money on yourself and work with a personal trainer once or twice a week-- their job, after all, is to show you how to use your body correctly and keep you from injuring yourself-- and then apply their teachings as often as possible. There’s no shame in admitting that you might need a hand to hold while you get your sea legs.

In the future, I'll discuss more particulars about specific workouts, maybe even produce a video or two for those more visually inclined. The more you can see it working for you and your schedule, the more likely you’ll follow through on something that can have wonderful benefits!

Take pride in your body. Appreciate the marvel that it is. Celebrate that it really is never too late to enjoy the experience of being alive. MOVE!

Body Weight, Or "The Curse of the Skinny Jeans"

Huh. I thought if she turned sideways,
she'd disappear...

Okay. *claps hands together enthusiastically* Getting down to something that is more often than not the number one reason that people look at ANYTHING related to the word “diet”-- body weight. (And I’ll explain in a minute why “diet” gets the “bunny rabbit ears”.)

Malnutrition and obesity are the roots of the epic jungle of health problems concerning our modern society, never more so than right here in the US, a country that with all its focus on the morbidly obese, still has a noticeable percentage of its population that struggles with eating disorders like anorexia nervosa and bulimia. A country with a shocking percentage of children living in abject poverty and families living off mediocre food stamps. A country that generates billions of dollars from exploiting images of super-skinny models and actresses. A country where you could still pass someone on the street that smokes because to quit would mean a likely weight gain, and what’s lung/throat/skin/ANY cancer compared to looking like the Crypt Keeper... or as she prefers to be known today, Lindsay Lohan.

When did eating food become so completely warped?!