Paleo S'More Pie

Yes, I am just that crazy to do it!

A few weeks ago, I found a recipe for Paleo Marshmallows with a base of gelatin instead of corn syrup like most commercial, even "vegan" brands, contain. Since I am a fan of gelatin and its many uses, I had to make these marshmallows. I mean that. Had. To. It was as if I had been possessed by some hungry (if not slightly puffy) spirit, wherein after it entered my body and seized control of my heart, my will, and my finer motor functions, I was its slave, forced to bust out the stand mixer after a good march through downtown Manhattan, stomping on buildings and harassing Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd on a rooftop.

I never would have found this marshmallow recipe without Google, nor would I have tried it if TGIPaleo.com hadn't tried it first and made it look sooooooo delectable. I only made some slight alterations after my first attempt.

Ingredients:

• 5 packets of flavorless gelatin
• 1 cup water
• 1 cup sugar (they recommend raw honey, which I tried and liked, though I prefer coconut sugar instead-- lower blood sugar spike, and tastes more like marshmallows)
• 1 tsp vanilla extract (again, I think that's a little low-- I did closer to a Tbsp of this, and it's worth it)

Directions:

1. Combine 1/2 cup of water and all gelatin in the bowl of your stand mixer and set on low to mix
2. In a small pot, combine the other 1/2 cup of water with the whole cup of sugar and bring to a gentle boil
3. Transfer the sugar water into a heat-resistent pitcher, and turn up the speed on your mixer to about med-high
4. Slowly pour the sugar water into the mix, making sure the thin stream of the liquid is meeting the bowl first (so the gelatin doesn't temper right away)
5. Let the mixer do its thang for 13 minutes, preferably covered with a towel to avoid splatter all over your kitchen
6. With the mixer still running, add vanilla and let it run for another 2 minutes to swirl it all in
7. Pour the gigantic amounts of marshmallow creme into a large pan or dish, and let sit in the fridge for anywhere from 4 hours to overnight to make sure they set properly

Now that you know how to make the marshmallow portion of the pie, all you need is the rest of the pie! 

I've been taking my recipe for Chocolate Avocado Pudding and using that for the filling of a Chocolate Pudding Pie for a few months, and it works QUITE well, especially after I decided to start adding some dark chocolate chips to the blend and pulsing the food processor a few times to break them up a little. For the crust, I've been using the following:

Ingredients:

• 2/3 cup almond meal
• 1 spoonful coconut oil
• cinnamon and nutmeg to taste
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• water to bind

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 375
2. Grease pie pan with coconut oil or coconut spread
3. Mix ingredients together until the crumble tastes like graham crackers (you can add more of any ingredient to get the right texture, so add things slowly)
4. Press mixture into pan, taking it up the sides
5. Bake in oven for 15 minutes or until golden brown
6. Let cool before adding in pudding mixture

And all that's left if blanketing with a generous layer of marshmallow! You can always pop the whole thing in the oven for a few minutes to get the marshmallow to soften even more, too.

I think I should win some kind of award for this thing.

Homemade Cough Drops

The stuff solidifies like cement...
only this tastes better

My experimentation with Flan has led me to wonder what else I can do with melted sugar, since the bottom of each ramekin has a little bit of this lovely goodness. Thing is, it can burn pretty quickly once it melts down, and it hardens almost the second it's off heat, which meant I had to know what I was making before I made it.

Sadly, I woke up yesterday morning with a sore throat. Nothing major, not like I suddenly had strep and would have to be evacuated on the first available chopper out of Korea. (Sorry. Most of medical knowledge comes from M*A*S*H reruns.) But as I felt a little grungy and didn't feel much like putting up with a cold for the next few weeks, I decided to take action. The best time to treat colds, from my experience as a massage therapist, is either the instant you start to feel it coming on, or right after it has hit you full force. Speeding things up at either of those points means your cold could become more intense, but it's over in a fraction of the usual time, and since two of my bandmates are pretty under the weather, I figured I'd just get it all over with.

After a loooooong hot bath with epsom salt and white vinegar, and a regular dose of Zicam, and a break from working out, and some comfort food (Ethiopian Beef Alicha and collard greens... drool), and a little extra sleep, I woke up this morning feeling far better. The only thing I wish I could have figured out was how to soothe my sore throat without the Zicam-- my usual staples of a spoon of raw honey, warm tea, steam, and gargling weren't getting the job done. And then I remembered, "Oh yeah, I wanted to try something else with the sugar. Heh. Now I get my chance!"

Pretty basic, no?

Ingredients:

• 1/2 cup of coconut sugar, brown sugar, or turbinado sugar
• large spoonful of raw honey
• lemon juice
• ground cinnamon powder

Directions:

Looks oddly like ground beef for tacos...

1. Put 1/2 cup of sugar in a pan on medium heat
2. Cook. Slowly. It will take time for it to melt the way it should, but don't speed up the heat, as this will most likely cause it to mutate into The Blob-- albeit, the sweet smelling Blob... until your house goes up in flames
3. Add lemon juice and cinnamon to your taste, but keep in mind that you want the flavor to last, and you want the benefits of lemon and cinnamon, which are excellent agents at ridding colds
4. Once the sugar starts to become a thin gel, add the honey, making sure to stir and mix well
5. Keep mixing until everything becomes cohesive
6. Pour mixture out onto a baking sheet covered with parchment paper, and spread out
7. Let cool until the sugar has completely hardened and cooled
8. Break apart, an activity that is oddly satisfying, almost like popping bubble wrap

I've been trying a few pieces over the last two hours, and my throat feels fantastic! Not a cough or a clearing of the throat, not a sneeze or a nose drip, and not a giant sugar spike either! My advice is to make these before you feel anything coming on, as you probably won't want to cook while you're feeling like poo. Then keep them in a mason jar or a plastic bag until you need them. I am soooo making more of these.

The final product

Burgers, Fries, Flan, and Wine-- Sounds Like a Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young Tribute Band

To my everlasting shame, I did not take pictures of the meal I am about to describe. No food porn today. Damn. I guess the vivid and slightly arousing descriptions will have to suffice.

We begin with a trip to Sprouts, wherein we find the most delicious selection of freakin'-random meats short of going on an Australian walkabout and hunting your own game in the Outback. Along with the standard yummies of elk, bison, and rabbit, there was also ostrich and kangaroo. Ostrich burgers are absolutely next on my list, since I've joked about them with one of my best friends for years. Kangaroo... eh, I'm not sure yet. I kind of only like eating animals that are ass-ugly, and kangaroos are far too cute... though now that I think about it, they are fairly deadly, so if it was up to me to hunt one, I couldn't guarantee that I would win... I mean, they have razor-sharp claws... and they can balance on their tails and deliver kicks worthy of MMA cage fighting... and they're wicked fast... and who know what they keep is those pouches of theirs... could be knives... or guns... or pepper spray... or nukes... anthrax maybe... but I digress.

Sandwiched right in between the venison steaks and the ground kangaroo were packages of "Wild Feral Boar". Now, have you ever seen a picture of a wild boar? No? Did you watch the first season of "Lost"? Okay then. So you'll know that these pigs are bold, italicized, underlined, 96-point font U-G-L-Y. (Picture provided for the doubtful.)

I rest my case.

The Meal

Bacon and beef-based burgers are meant to be together. (Say that five times fast.) But would pork hold up? Would it be pig overload...?

Naaaaaaah.

Bacon burgers are simple-- get ground meat, mix with fine slices of bacon, add flavor like freshly minced onion and garlic, and throw onto a griddle or grill. Saute portobello mushrooms in a pan with some olive oil and be sure to flip them a few times to get them cooked all the way through. Portobello bun, burger on top, done!

No burger is complete without fries. No fries are better than sweet potato fries. And nothing makes fries taste better than the right blend of spices. That's where I got creative. I mixed soy-free canola-based mayonaise with It's Greek To Me, a blend from a company in Colorado called To Market To Market that makes a whole variety of spice blends for dips and spreads. They're all gluten-free and kosher, even though one or two might have beans as part of their mix, or they might be recommended for use with cream cheese instead of mayonaise. Generously coat the sweet potato fries, bake for 30 minutes with a flip at the halfway mark, done!

Onto the coconut flan. If you took Spanish in high school, chances are you also had a taste of some slimy, half-formed "dessert" called flan. I think in order to teach Spanish at a certain level, the teacher must first prove how terrible they are at doing this wonderful dish justice, because I've had flan outside of that first mucous-y experience, and when it's done right, it's like silk.

Flan is essentially eggs, cream, and sugar. Doesn't sound all that Paleo-friendly, does it? Worry not. Here's the best solution I've come across*:

Ingredients:

Finished product

• 1 cup coconut palm sugar
• 4 large eggs
• 1 can full-fat coconut milk
• 1 tsp vanilla
• pinch of salt
• optional, though highly encouraged
• cinnamon
• nutmeg
• chocolate
• honey (on top)

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees
2. Heat 1/2 cup of sugar on a stovetop on low to medium heat to avoid burning, stirring frequently
3. Pour sugar evenly into 6 oven-safe ramekins, and pour quickly, because this stuff will harden almost instantly once it's off the heat (Side note: I'm going to use this to make my own cough drops for the winter)
4. In a food processor/blender/bowl, mix the four eggs and keep off to the side
5. In the same pan with the now rock-hard leftover sugar, combine coconut milk, vanilla, salt, and the remaining 1/2 cup of sugar. This is the best time to add any other flavors except for something like honey or caramel, as they're sugars and will change the consistency of the mixture
6. Once this mix is at a slow boil, take it off the heat
7. Get a whisk and slooooooooowly add the eggs to this whole mixture to keep them from cooking
8. Pour evenly into each of the ramekins, and place all ramekins into a baking dish wide and deep enough to hold them all at once
9. Add water to the baking dish (not the flan) so that the water is level with the flan (which should not be the top of the ramekins)
10. Bake for 35-40 minutes, let cool, then stick 'em in the fridge to let them solidify

And the final touch? Chocolate red wine. A very sweet red blended with chocolate. Warning: this is not like taking a box of red wine and blending it with Hershey's syrup or chocolate milk. This is a beautiful red with the darkest chocolate taste. I have a tremendous sweet tooth, and it still took me the better part of a half hour to finish one medium glass of this.

My oh my, was I a happy camper after this meal. Odds are, you will be too!

*Flan recipe courtesy of Paleo Effect with some alterations

It's Almost Like This 'Eating Healthy' Thang Pays Off

Last year at Thanksgiving:

I. Hurt. Everywhere. Too much stuffing when I haven't had any gluten or grains in over a month, too much starch, and too many cats in the room (making it that much harder to breathe). Let me just sit in this chair for forty minutes and stair into nothingness while I try to figure out how to move my feet to then walk to the car to then drive home.

This year at Thanksgiving:

I'm. Making. PIES. Avoid stuffing and the non-Paleo pies at all costs... maybe just a bite or two of bread, just for the taste... nope, wait, that hurts now. Never mind, then; gimmie that turkey! And while I'm thinking of it, how about those multiple vegetable sides?! Load me up! And how about some crockpot hot chocolate with dessert? Um, yes please!

This whole month has been about taking pride in my accomplishments from the last year, aka: My First Year Paleo. Before the holiday season began, I officially hit my lowest weight since eighth grade. Let me say that again. Eighth. Grade. The numbers that really matter to me, though, are these:

• 8 - the average number of hours I've been sleeping each night for two months
• 3-4 - the number of times I work out during the week now that I've given myself permission to take it easier on my better toned body
• 60 - the number of seconds I can hold a handstand with or without doing pushups at the same time
• 4-6 - the average dress size that fits me comfortably without making me look like I'm either wearing a burlap sack or like I got poured into my clothes and didn't know when to say 'stop'
• 12+ - the number of months I've gone without getting sick like I usually do once the holidays cycle back
• 5 - the number of new exercises I introduce into my month to make sure I'm not getting bored
• 2 - the number of inches my hair has grown out in a year, which is good, since Colorado's climate does not get along with my Midwestern hair

Because of some large milestones, I've been traveling a bit. Planes are, for me, nothing short of torture, but not for the reasons you'd probably assume; I love flying, am rarely bothered by screaming infants or kids, never get stuck to Mr. Elbows McFidget-Pants or Mrs. Wearing Salami-Deodorant, and stick to carry-on to keep luggage from getting lost. That said...

There was a point a few years ago when a plane ride meant three additional weeks of respiratory illness so severe that I couldn't hold down food or use my throat to talk... or breathe. I could be on a plane and feel that one germy blob that had been circulating in the cabin's air conditioning wait until I was comfy in my seat and then... FWAP! It'd hit me, and I'd feel myself starting to get sick before the flight landed. Along with the crappy recycled air, the seats on most commercial airlines have become startlingly uncomfortable, leading me to wonder just how much trouble I would get into if I started doing exuberant calisthenics or power yoga in the aisles once every twenty minutes.

Well, I think I have finally overcome my justified annoyance of flying. How?

Eat healthy, for shit's sake!

I loaded up on some Paleo staples before both big trips, since I didn't know what I'd be able to eat on the road. Freeze-dried fruit, nuts and goji berries, chopped veggies, and a homemade 2-pound bag of cajun beef jerky kept me from eating the crap at the airports, kept me from wasting energy trying to digest garbage so it could be focused on repelling the plethora of germs looking for a new home in my lungs, and kept me full and happy when I couldn't find a convenient place to get a meal.

And what's more, I got to meet my brand new niece and nephew (fraternal twins) while in the best health of my life! That, my loves, is a nice 'win'!

A Perfect Piece Of Paleo Pumpkin Pie

Sweet damn, what a strange month this has been! Lotsa family, lotsa friends, and lotsa food... and with all that, a sincere want to stay away from my computer for as long as possible. But since I'm working on something tomorrow and have a moment to write about it today, I figure why not crank up some music and engage in a little "typing therapy"?

First of all, I'm going to have to write about my experiences traveling a lot over this month. Why? Because I didn't get sick on any of my plane rides, that's why! Hallelujah and a gloryoski! I'm not prone to coughs and colds, save for when I travel on airplanes. And not always, just certain times of year... like now. I'm usually the target of that one germy blob that's been circling the ventilation system waiting for the right person... and then BAM, it smacks right into me, and within a few hours, I'm going through boxes of Kleenex like nobody's business, sounding like a Muppet, and waiting for someone to stop the jackhammers in my sinuses. But not this time, no no!

Secondly, I have a backlog of recipes that I've eaten too quickly to take pictures of, so I'll have to go through and do them all again so I can write 'em up. (Gee. Darn.) What I do for the sake of posterity.

But now for the real reason I'm writing today... I'm making pies. Yummy, yummy pies. AND THEY'RE MINE, DO YOU HEAR ME?! ALL MIIIIIIIIINE! (Unless you're going to be at my friends' house for Thanksgiving, in which case, you may have some.)

Pumpkin on the left, Chocolate Pudding on the right

My mentor had told me last year that he had experimented with making different crusts for pies so he could, you know, eat at Thanksgiving without exploding. But what I remember from this conversation is that he didn't have the results he had expected. I'd been hesitating on this experiment since my own disastrous attempt at making sweet potato gnocchi with coconut flour and ended up with a giant pot of mush. It takes some time to get the egg/oil/"flour" ratios right for some recipes, and I don't want to waste food if I don't go into it knowing what I'm doing at least a little.

Almond meal is my go-to for crusts. It's easily adaptable for sweet and savory dishes, and inexpensive to make, so long as you have a food processor and access to almonds in bulk. This ended up being prefect for both pies in different ways. The Pumpkin was my standard crust of 2 cups almond meal, 2 eggs, 1 Tbsp coconut oil, 1 tsp salt, which binds together very well and gets crispy without burning. The Chocolate Pudding started off as a "let's just see what happens if" kind of thing, but became surprisingly delicious as a crumble. The recipe is 2/3 cup almond meal, 1/3 cup coconut oil, 1/4 tsp salt, 2 Tbsp cold water, but I added flour and water as needed. This won't bind the same way without the egg, so don't expect something crispy and crunchy.

With both of these, I added cinnamon and nutmeg to the mixes to make the most of the almond taste along with the sweetness of the pies' contents. This made the Pumpkin Pie as close to perfect as I could imagine, and made the crumble for the Chocolate Pudding taste frighteningly close to graham crackers.

I'll write up the full recipes soon, I promise, but first...

I'M. GOING. TO. EAT.

Your Training is Now Complete

I've officially been Paleo for one year, and I ain't never goin' back!

True, I'll cheat every now and again, 'cause it's too hard to resist a good snickerdoodle-n-frosting sandwich cookie when it's wafting its seductive scent in my face, practically pulling puppy-dog-eyes on me, begging to be consumed. But that happens maybe once, I don't know, a year... if that.
The breakdown of my first year Paleo:

Um... am I a babe? Is that what happened?

• lost 15 pounds that will never come back because I've replaced the unneeded fat with pretty good muscle tone
• on average, better sleep
• better skin (acne, sun exposure, healthy tone)
• better energy (if you had tried to get me to work out before 9:00am before going Paleo, I would have punched you. Hard.)
• no aches or pains, specifically in joints (unless I've done something stupid)
• able to last longer times between meals with little snacking in between
• able to sustain IM Fasting for an average minimum of 16 hours with no discomfort
• faster benefits with shorter and more intense workouts

And did I mention all the fabulous recipes I've found or created?! Almost every single one of them fits into the categories of:

1. plate-licking delicious
2. simple
3. inexpensive
4. high-yielding (for leftovers throughout the week)
5. filling without feeling uncomfortable
6. great quality of foods
7. yummy to those that don't eat Paleo... yet...

It's certainly changed more than just how I look at food, but how I examine larger elements of my life, like my beliefs, my politics, my spirituality, and my self-esteem. And though this last year has been by no means a cakewalk, it certainly has been rewarding and ultimately worth all the garbage that I had to sift through to find the trinket I thought I'd lost a long time ago-- ME. And even though I got a little tarnished, it's nothing that some polish can't perk up.

Another year of Paleo? Don't mind if I do!

Sweet Potato Brownies and My Sharp, Pointy Stick

I tells ya, with a recipe like this, World Peace is within our grasp.*

Already promising...

Ingredients:

• 1 large sweet potato
• 3 eggs, whisked
• 1/4 cup coconut oil, melted
• 1/3 cup raw honey
• 1/2 cup dark chocolate chips
• 3 tablespoons coconut flour
• 2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1/4 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
• splashes of coconut milk
• pinch of salt
• unsweetened shredded coconut

Everything mixed and ready to pour

Directions:

1. Peel, slice, and boil the sweet potato until tender enough to mash-- boiling takes FAR less time than trying to bake it, trust me
2. Drain the water and mash up the sweet potato with a splash or two of coconut milk
3. In a separate bowl, whisk together the eggs, vanilla, honey, and coconut oil, along with another splash of coconut milk to keep it frothy
4. Add this mix to the potato
5. Add dry ingredients-- coconut flour, cocoa powder, cinnamon, salt, baking soda, and chocolate chips, and mix very well
6. Pour into an 8x8 glass baking dish and sprinkle generous amounts of unsweetened shredded coconut-- some people use powdered sugar, I reach for coconut
7. Place in the oven and bake for 25-35 minutes
8. Sharpen your pointy stick-- see attached photo

Back off, you animals! Make your own!
They're mine!

Yep, I finally did it; I went out and made myself a sharp, pointy stick to ward off any scavengers making sudden movements around my food. But in my defense, make these brownies for yourself and see if you're not immediately consumed by a desire to run out into the nearest forest, grab a stick of your own, and start growling while you whittle the point into a decent weapon. After, of course, you have determined that the brownies will be safe in your absence... or in your belly...

The sweet potato will keep everything soft and moist and falling apart in your fingers. The cocoa powder is balanced nicely with the hints of salt. And they'll keep in the fridge quite well, but that's assuming you'll leave any leftovers. 

And that, friends, is a grand assumption.

Every square of this is pure, unadulterated bliss.

*recipe courtesy of PaleOMG